


it's okay to die

by changingstyIes



Category: 5SOS, Lashton - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Sad, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2447507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingstyIes/pseuds/changingstyIes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You left me, Ashton! You bastard, you left me,"</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's okay to die

** it's okay to die// lashton **

At 2:30 AM, Ashton Irwin was pronounced dead. His boyfriend, Luke Hemmings, had found him in a bathroom with a blade in one hand and an empty bottle of pills in his other. His world was  immediately  crushed. He thought, Ashton would make it. That he'd be okay. But when the doctor  delivered  the news that Luke had gotten there too late. He broke down, he had nothing now. He had lost the one person he cared about the most.

At 3:00 AM, his best friends, Michael Clifford and Calum Hood got there. Of course, Luke had told them over the phone that Ashton had died, but they didn't want to believe it. He kept the band together, he kept Luke sane. And now he was gone. It would never be the same without him.

When they went home, after watching the doctors unhook Ashton from everything, Luke broke down at the door.

"He fucking left me!" He wailed, tugging on his hair. "He's gone!" He screamed. Tears were running down his face, mixing with snot. But nobody cared because they felt the same pain.

Luke was still wailing and screaming while Michael and Calum tried to calm him down.

"Come on, mate," Michael said soothingly, "Let's go to bed."

But Luke wouldn't have.  Especially  not when Michael grabbed his arms and tried to set him on his feet, "No!" He screamed and tugged his arms back. He pushed Michael and said, "I won't go to bed without Ashton. I can't go to bed without Ashton." He said quietly.

The two boys watched the broken-hearted boy with sympathy. They knew they wouldn't ever be able to fix him.

"Where's Ashton? I know he's here. I know he didn't die," Luke was still crying.

Calum put his arm on Luke's shoulder, "Luke, you know what happened to him."

Luke shoved him off and screamed at Calum, "No! He didn't die! He couldn't of! Ashton would never leave me!" Luke fell on his knees and let out a broken sob. "I just want Ashton!" He cried. "I want my Ash back." He tugged on his hair.

Luke looked up at Michael with sad, teary eyes, "Please, Mikey, please bring him back." The broken pleading in Luke's voice made the red haired boy's heart break.

Michael knelt down and faced the blonde boy, "Luke, look at me." Luke wouldn't lift his head, "Luke, please." A minute of  silence  passed before he lifted his head. Michael wanted to cry even more at his  appearance. Luke's eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks covered in tears. His whole face with red and blotchy, and it hurt Michael even more to know that he would never be able to help Luke the way he needed to be helped.

"It hurts, Mikey. It hurts a lot and I just want it to go away," Luke sobbed. He  collapsed into Michael's chest and cried. Mikey wrapped his arms around him and Calum knelt down too. They all cried together and nobody cared that snot and tears were getting all over their clothes because they had each other.

At 5:00 AM, Michael and Calum got Luke into bed. He thankfully passed out 30 minutes later.

Luke slept most of the day and when he did wake up, he didn't leave his bedroom. The two boys downstairs could hear the sobs and the things getting thrown, " You left me, Ashton! You bastard, you left me!" This was the  phrase  they had been hearing all day. But they decided to leave him by himself.

A knock sounded at the door and Calum went to get it. He opened the door to see a police  officer  holding an  envelope  in his hand.

"Hello, sir. I'm looking for Mr. Lucas Hemmings." The older man said nicely.

Calum nodded and said, "He's a bit," he paused, thinking of the right word, "preoccupied. But I can give it to him."

The police man smiled and handed Calum the letter, "You have a nice day, young man."

Calum smiled weakly at the officer and repeated the words. He shut the door and returned to Michael at the table. They both knew what the letter was and that hurt them more. There were three letters each. One for Michael, one for Calum and one for Luke.

They were about to open theirs when they heard a scream. The boys rushed up the stairs to find Luke sitting, crying and clutching his arm. There was five, deep gashes running up his arm. Their mouths dropped open and Michael shouted at him, "What the fuck did you do, Luke?!"

Luke only cried harder and Calum smacked Michael upside the head, "Don't fucking yell at him, you dick!"

Michael and Calum continued to yell at each other while Luke sat sobbing. Their lives were a mess and it couldn't be cleaned. Nobody'd be able to fix them now.

While Michael and Calum were fighting, Luke thought. He thought about Ashton and how he'd have to live his life without him. How he'd have to sleep without his arms wrapped around him at night. He he'd have to sleep in his own shirts now because sleeping in his would be too painful. He'd have to make the bed,  breakfast  and clean his clothes. He'd have to live without Ashton. And thinking about that made Luke cry even more than he already was. Soon enough, he was choking on sobs.

Michael and Calum stopped fighting to see what the noise was. They  immediately kneeled  down by Luke and pulled him into a hug. But Luke clung to Michael; his face being hidden in Michael's neck.

"I miss him," Luke cried into Michael's neck, "I miss him so fucking much. And it sucks that I won't ever love anyone again because he took my heart with him!" Luke pulled away and stood up. He looked at each boy and said, "I may as well be dead."

Luke walked out and made his way down the stairs, leaving both boys dumbfounded. When Luke got to the dining room he stopped. There was an  envelope  with his name on it. Luke walked over and carefully picked it. His name was scrawled in messy handwriting- handwriting Luke would notice anywhere. It clicked in his mind. This was Ashton's  suicide  letter.  

Luke shoved it into his pocket and ran out the front door. He needed to get out now.

++++

It was midnight when Luke returned. Michael and Calum were up in the living room, shaking. Michael looked furious and Calum looked anxious.

Michael got up when Luke walked through the door, "Were the fuck were you!"

Luke looked down, "Out."

"Out?" Michael sounded really mad, "You were out? Do you have any idea what me and Calum were thinking? We thought you ran off!"

"I sad, okay?! My boyfriend just killed himself and you want me to act like everything's okay! I fucking love him, Michael! I just-"

He cut Luke off by yelling, "You don't think we love him too?! God, Luke, pull your fucking head out of your ass and listen!" By now Luke and Michael were crying, "We all love him! You're not alone in this, so please," He pleaded quietly, "Please let us be there for you."

Luke collapsed into his chest with rushed 'I'm so sorry's' and sobs.

It was an hour later when the boys decided to go to bed. They slept in the living room, curled together. All of them were dreading the events of tomorrow.

++++

Each boy woke up  separately in the morning.

Michael  announced  the Ashton's funeral would be today. Luke tried to not cry, but he ran off to his room five minutes later with tears running down his face.

Michael went to check on him, while Calum got dressed and ready to go.

Michael found Luke with Ashton's drumsticks in his hands. His face was a mix of anger and sadness as the tears dripped down.

He went over and rubbed the younger boy's back, "It'll be okay, Luke."

Luke shook his head, wiping the tears off of his face, "No it won't," he said in a hoarse, low voice, "It'll never be okay, not for me."

Michael nodded, he knew that Luke would never be completely fixed, "Come on, Luke."

Luke looked up, "What?" He questioned.

"You have to get dressed," Michael said.

Luke didn't want to go, but he knew that he had to. He wasn't about to abandon his two best friends because he felt like dying.

Michael left the room without another word and Luke pulled out his suit. But instead of the white shirt, he put on a black one. He wasn't happy, so why should he dress like it?

Each boy had on the same outfit. None of them wore white because it just wasn't fitting, not for this occasion.

The left the house and filed into the car. On the way there it was completely silent. No one said anything in fear of making someone else cry. By now they were sick of tears, they were sick of feeling broken. But Luke, he liked feeling numb. He liked that the pain wasn't as bad when you just stopped trying to live. He was just done.

They got to the funeral home and went inside. They all sat down by each other because nobody wanted to see Ashton all dressed up and not breathing. They knew that that wouldn't be a good idea. Not in the mental sat they were in.

The funeral soon started but Luke blocked it all out. The only time he listened was when his name was called. He knew he'd have to speak, but he was to scared he might break down.

Michael looked at him, "You'll be okay, Luke. Ashton would've wanted this."

Luke nodded and got up after a hug from Calum. He walked up to the  pandemonium  and rested his elbows on it. He pulled out his paper before stuffing it back into his pocket. That paper was full of bullshit, it wasn't the truth.

He cleared his throat and started, "You all may know me as Ashton's boyfriend and Ashton as mine. But we were so much more than that. Ashton was my best friend, he was the one person who kept me together, us together." He bit his lip to stop the tears, "He was one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and I thought that we'd grow old together," Luke wiped his eyes furiously.

"Ashton was the one person I knew would always be there. He was always so happy when he was with us. He made us all a better person. You may ask what I found so interesting about. I can't tell you that because Ashton is simply perfect. I won't stand here and tell you how we fell in love because  that'd  be giving out a secret," By now Luke was sobbing, "God, if I could say one thing to him, it'd be, 'Why the hell did you leave me? Why'd you leave us now? because I want to know. What he did was stupid, but I'm not going to call it selfish because it wasn't. If he left us it was for a reason, what the reason was, I don't know. Nobody knows, except for Ashton and it should stay that way."

I look back now and I realize what he did for me. And when I look at him now, in a suit all cleaned up, I know he'd want to  buried  in a band tee shirt," Luke couldn't continue. He had to leave and he had to leave now. He was  suffocating.

He ran out the door and towards the house. Once he got there he dug the letter out of his pants pocket and ripped it open. His tears were getting all over the paper. He hands were shaking as he read it,

_ My beautiful Luke, _

__

_ I want you to know that I had to do this. I didn't want to leave you by yourself but I couldn't do it anymore. I love you. I really do and I wish I could hang on for a little while longer. I wanted a future with you. _

_ God, I remember the first time I ever saw you. You were so fucking beautiful and I wanted you to be mine forever. But I guess forever is a load of bullshit now isn't it? But you still have forever and you can have your forever with someone who wasn't sad and depressed. You can be happy Luke, you can be happy without me, I know you can. Please don't hold yourself back from happiness because of me, alright? _

_ I want you to know why I did this put it'd be too long to put on paper. And I don't want to hurt you with that. But I do want you to know that you made me happy. You made me a better person. You taught me that tadpoles are baby frogs. And you taught me how to love. You taught me how to love even when I couldn't love myself. And I love you for that. _

_ I can still picture you walking into my bedroom when it was storming because you wanted to cuddle with me. I remember when you asked me to be your boyfriend. I remember our first date. I remember when we first made love on your bed it a hotel and I wouldn't have it any other way. Baby, these memories will stay with me forever because their too good to be forgotten. _

_ This was the last letter I wrote because I knew it'd be the hardest. You loved me when no one else would. So, thank you for all that. I'm sorry this letter is so short, but I can't continue without wanting to call you. I love you, Luke. _

__

_ Yours forever, _

_ Ashton  xo _

Luke couldn't take it. He threw that letter across the room and curled into a ball. He missed him and as he was sobbing he remembered all those things he wrote down. It was all he would have of him now. No more Ashton, no more happiness.

++++

At 2:30 AM, a year later, Luke Hemmings was  pronounced  dead. Calum had found him in his bed with twenty open cuts on his arms. He had left two letters. One for Calum and one for Michael. He explained that he did this to be with Ashton, how he couldn't do it anymore. How he was sorry for everything he has done.

Everyone tried to move on, but they all knew that there was no escaping this pain. Not anymore.

 

**Author's Note:**

> //
> 
> i'm an ass and i'm sorry. this one shot was inspired by the ed sheeran song, 'Even My Dad Does Sometimes' i highly recommened listening to it while reading this. ily and goodnight.
> 
> btw if you ever need someone to talk to, i can help. i've been through the same thing and i don't support suicide. there's someone out there who loves you, i love you. it'll get better and i wouldn't be saying that if it wasn't true.
> 
> I LOVE YOU!
> 
> kenzee xx


End file.
